The Occurrence of Love

...and it occurred to me then,
the distinct difference between love that exists in my mind
and love that exists in my heart.
What logic says - the heart ignores,
and what the heart craves - will not always be reasonable.
But its in the littlest of things that true love is born.
Always the briefest of moments,
the kind that I'd be content to stay in forever,
where my heart finds the greatest of joys.
And I've learned that while love can be a constant,
it can also be random and spontaneous,
like a poem from the heart.
That? This? Here? Her? Yes!!
The pursuit of happiness is nothing more than the pursuit of love,
and our one-track mind is forever guided by the desires of the heart.

Projections

Its by the calming smell of my pumpkin spice candle that I sit here and
let my mind drown in thoughts of you.
The flame dances joyfully in all different directions - mimicking my heart.

Its now, when all I'm surrounded by is emptiness and solitude,
that I somehow find you everywhere I look.
The pillows, the plants, the empty space around me: all full of your smiling face.

If my mind could project my thoughts into images in the air,
the world would be swirling with your beautiful figure and comforting eyes,
and everyone would know what now only my heart sees clearly.

By The Hand

Just kinda.......walking slow
hunched over
shoulders slumped
moreover,
not sure
of whats to come.
Like a little kid
at times,
feeling almost naked
in a world of formal minds.
Like everyone's watching
with critical eyes,
as I succumb to the pressure
and step up to the side,
step right up to the edge
where there's no where to hide.
Too much pressure
just building inside,
now nervously shaking,
taking a peek
at what lies below
and what lies ahead.
Now,
suddenly,
overwhelmed by the outcomes
of past decisions I dread.
I need some support
but the ground only trembles
and bends,
up and down,
as I struggle to balance,
looking around,
for someone
to take me by the hand,
and show me the way,
where to go,
what to do,
but mostly,
for someone
to just take me by the hand.

Welcome! We Stalked You!

I started a new job this week at a company where I didn't go in knowing anyone.  

Monday was tough.  Tons of information thrown at me from all directions, pulled a 14-hour day, etc.  On top of that, I was introduced to about 20 different people, of whom I actually only remembered maybe half of their names.

Tuesday was a little easier.  Taking in all I was given the day before, doing some more knowledge assimilation, and of course, still meeting people.

One of the guys in my department introduced himself, welcomed me, and then said: "So I gotta ask the question that's on everyone's mind.......what's up with the Chapstick video?"

Surprised, I couldn't help but smile and laugh as several others that overhead him also turned around to hear my reply - indicating that several people knew what he was talking about.

I told him it was for a video contest.  He asked if I had won, and I told him no, I wasn't even a finalist.

I noticed a few others nearby smiling, as I wondered out loud how all these people had aparrently Googled my name before I even started there.

Fast forward a few hours.............

The clusterfuck that is NJ Transit had all trains on my line delayed due to signal problems.

Instead of waiting around 2 hours for my train to Metropark, I decided to take a train leaving sooner to New Brunswick, and then I'd just cab it to Metropark to get my car.

Thanks to the hundreds of other people who swarmed that train, (and the fat, sweaty guy making love to a slice of pizza in front of my face) it wasn't a pleasant ride.  But, I did get to New Brunswick.

Exiting the track to the street, I walked over to the first taxi, which already had a guy waiting in the back seat. 

The driver asked me where I was going and I told him Metropark. He told me to get in.

I sit in the back, and as I'm closing the door, the guy already there says, "IPsoft, right?"

"Yeah!" I say, thinking the binder I was holding with the IPsoft logo gave me away.

The guy procedes to introduce himself, and by crazy coincidence, works at IPsoft also!!

He's in a totally different department, but had recognized me from my photo that was sent out to staff in a welcome email.

We introduced ourselves and chit-chatted...........and then he says, "and oh yeah, I saw the Chapstick video too."

So apparently, I'm just so awesome that everyone there Googled me and passed around the link to the video.

Even more amusing, if you go to the Chapstick video on Vimeo and look at the view statistics on the bottom right, you can clearly see what days everyone there was checking it out!

Initially I thought it was kind of stalkerish...............but now, I'm kind of flattered. 

Without My Heart

I would look at my fingers
as you pull them from my hands,
one by one,
grabbing hold,
tearing
flesh from bone,
expressionless.
With unfazed eyes,
no wincing
no fighting
I'd watch them go,
with a face stone cold.

I would glance at my arms,
as you tore them apart,
ripped from my shoulders,
yanking,
breaking,
strands of muscle
hanging,
as is my head
with eyes still staring,
unfazed,
glaring,
I'd watch them go,
drop to the floor
with a face stone cold.

But my will may start to falter,
as I watch you take my feet.
I look down,
cutting me deep,
you continue to pull,
bleeding,
no longer able to stand,
kneeling,
closer to the floor.
Cold.
I'd still be watching you
with a face of stone.

And I think my eyes will swell,
as I see you take my legs.
Fallen to my back,
broken,
cracked,
bone to the floor,
cold stone.
But I'll still be watching you,
eyes still prone.

But oh how I will squirm,
and moan in pain,
when it is my eyes
you must take away.
I will hurt
I will burn
but my gaze still won't falter,
I will still face your way.

But then.....
But then.....
All my hope will surrender,
my will, no doubt, break,
when at last
it's my heart you must take.
Only then......
Only then will I scream.
Only then will I truly hurt.
Only then will my anguish
be too much to bear,
because,
only then will I succumb
to despair.

Because....

the truth is,
I don't need my fingers,
and can do without touching your soft face.

And the truth is,
I will get by without my arms,
and sacrifice your sweet embrace.

And the truth is,
I can make it with no feet,
and give up standing beside you.

And the truth is,
I'm alright without my legs.
I can live without kneeling before you.

And the truth is,
I can even yet survive
without my eyes,
losing the image of your lovely sight.

But without my heart.........
without my heart.....

my love dies.


-B. Stinga 2010

My Health, My Fitness, My Advice

You don't have to know me for long to realize that I make my personal health and fitness a top priority in life.

I'm very conscious of everything I do with and to my body, and I'm very in-tune with everything it tells me.

My reasons for this go back to my childhood.

God bless my Mom and her genes, but both of them have presented obstacles for me in life when it comes to my health and physical condition.  Her side of the family is rampant with heart disease, high blood pressure, alcoholism and obesity. To make things worse, she overcompensated for her less-than-privileged childhood by making sure to always have snacks and treats around when I was a kid. To her, this was good mothering - giving your kids cookies, cake and ice cream - food that makes them happy.  Unfortunately for me, that helped to make me the "fat boy" that I got called in elementary and middle school.

Turning into a teenager brings with it the strong desire to fit in and be cool, so becoming selfish and concerned with your image is almost inevitable.  This need to change my body is what drove me to harness my will power and change my eating habits.  I can vividly remember being 12yrs old or so and going into the snack cabinet for a handful of cookies as I'd done so many times before. But on this occasion, I distinctly recall saying to myself, "Do I really want to eat these cookies? Is the brief, pleasing taste of these cookies worth the lasting effects of being fat?"  Then I put them back, and my uncanny will power was born.

Playing sports in high school greatly aided me in my physical appearance goals, but it was truly my strong desire and will power to control my diet that made the difference, and still does today.  So although I commonly get asked about what kind of exercises and workouts I do or how much I bench or what supplements I take, it's really about how and what I eat and other little lifestyle changes here and there that have more of an impact on my overall health.

If you already know the stuff I'm about to share - awesome.  If you disagree - cool. Ignore me. But I know a lot of people have no clue about how to make positive changes to their health, and this is for them.  I've read dozens of magazines, books, websites, blogs and scientific studies.  I've played sports and worked with athletes, coaches and personal trainers.  I've been injured and consulted with doctors and gone through physical therapy.  I've taken each and every opportunity presented to me to learn about human physiology and anatomy, and the knowledge I believe to be true is based on years of experience and a genuine love of sport and fitness.

So without further delay and not due to popular request (nor anyone's request for that matter), I hereby present to you in no particular order of importance.......


Brian's Top Tips For General Health

Drink a big glass of water first thing when you wake up in the morning.
You'd have to be living under a rock to not know that drinking a lot of water and staying hydrated is a good thing for your metabolism.  Everyone should try to drink a lot more during the day than they do now.  So ponder this - would you go the entire 8 or so hours you're at work without drinking anything? Of course not.  The same concept goes for when you're sleeping - you wake up dehydrated and a big glass of water jump starts your metabolism.  Aim for at least 16 ounces. Then later:

Eat Breakfast
Studies show that people who skip breakfast are 450% more likely to be overweight!!  I didn't make that shit up!  Eat something for breakfast!

You can't out-train a bad diet.
Unless you have an intense workout regimen, you will not be able to compensate for a shitty diet enough to get that six pack.  If you truly want to lose more weight and become fitter, put more effort into getting your eating habits right before wasting too much time trying to figure out which workout to try.

Take a high-quality multivitamin.
Pretty much nobody gets adequate amounts of necessary nutrients from their diets.  Because of that, you're likely deficient in several vitamins and minerals and might never know it until a serious health issue arises.  Find a high-quality multivitamin and take it daily.  You might still be deficient in specific things, but this will greatly decrease your chances of it being serious.

When you get sick, immediately stop eating sugary foods.
When scientists need to study bacteria and yeast, they grow them in petri dishes containing agar, which is a polymer made up of sugar.  Think about that for a minute.  Here's more to read if you don't believe me.

Sleep
Get at least 7-8 hours per night.  Don't listen to this BS "some people don't need as much sleep as others." That is crap.  Sleep isn't just so you have enough energy to get through the next day, it's to help your body recover and rebuild.

Stop Making Excuses
Excuses are for people who just don't have enough desire. There's always going to be mornings you wake up tired. There's always going to be days you have a cold or feel sore or a little hungover. There's always going to be an easy reason to not get any exercise.  There's always going to be unhealthy food closer at hand than healthy food. There is ALWAYS something to use an excuse as to why you can't do something positive for your health. Stop making excuses, and you'll realize you have more time and opportunity than you think for some exercise or a healthier meal.

Make It A Habit
Another one to thank my Mom for.  There's been a lot of times I'll tell her how I decided to start/stop eating a certain food and she'll comment "Oh, Brian's on a health kick again."  This prompted me to let her know that its not a diet, its not a kick, its not a fad - its a lifestyle.  The word diet implies some temporary strategy, and you don't want temporary, you want permanent.  Think of your eating habit as a diet, and it will eventually fail. Studies show its takes 21 days to make a habit.  Stick it though those 21 days and it becomes much easier to continue the healthy changes you've made since they'll become part of your daily ritual and lifestyle.

When it comes down to it, wanting to be healthier or fitter - or wanting anything in life, for that matter - requires only a strong enough desire. Once you can harness that desire within yourself, you will easily seek out the necessary knowledge and be well on your way to achieving your goals.

Enable your will power to become your true friend....................or it the lack of it will remain the enemy that stands between you and your accomplishments.

Good luck!

Beacon

And now, I'm ready to sail out into the dark.  

But, the light in your eyes...........

the light in your eyes could lead a fleet of ships to safety in a storm.  

And I navigate through the waves of your wrong decisions and pointless loves,  guided by those eyes that always bring me back - crashing against the shores of your heart.

Awkward introductions, like a lonely vessel sailing through the unknown seas of your body.......

a body that I silently wish to be all mine, and mine alone.

And yet, each night the sea grows calm once again, and I venture out into the dark.

But I secretly hope to see your face in the stars calling me back to you.

As my heart yearns for the direction to return to your arms, where I feel a warmth as safe as home.

When It's Silent Enough to Listen

For some reason, Sunday nights make me emotional.


There's nothing specific about the day itself, but the situation I commonly find myself in during these late hours at the end of the weekend just does something to me. Possibly because it's a combination of sadness that the weekend is over and bittersweet nostalgia brought on by being alone with my thoughts (and a glass of wine).


So tonight I find myself sitting at home spreading my attention between writing a blog post, doing my resume, and watching How I Met Your Mother.  (one of my favorite shows ever, BTW)


I've always had a disposition founded on a sense of emotionality that is very sensitive yet strong.
I commonly get teary-eyed at the stupidest of things, but I also very easily can keep my composure in the saddest and most intense of situations. And tonight, alone on my couch, I ponder my life and future with such deep conviction that my eyes well up with every passing keystroke and sip of wine.


My optimism is not lost.
My mood - only briefly low.
But right now - at least for tonight - I welcome my heart back to center stage and open my mind to hear all it has to share.


It tells me I love life.
It tells me I love children.
It tells me I adore all the beautiful people I'm so fortunate enough to have close to me.
It tells me that I've been far from perfect in all my living years, yet the pain of regret and consequence is one best embraced and learned from.


Of all it tells me, I listen most to what it says of my future.
For though there is no set path to finding all my heart desires, it knows the direction I must travel and helps guide me along the way. 


This allows me to know that as long I continue to keep my mind's ear close to my heart, my road to happiness will be one I will have no trouble following.

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser

Yup.  Tuesday was just another one.

Another one of those days when US law requires I add 1 to the count of the number of years since my birth.

That date when the futile human desire to keep track of time combines with our idiotic yearning to quantify our lives.

You can deny the significance of the number all you want, but it's effect will not diminish.

The big X0 birthdays may carry more significance, but all the ones in between still seem like creaky, old, wooden steps in our staircase to each milestone.

Much more important than dwelling on your numerical age, is contemplating how much wisdom you've gathered up until this point.  Becoming smarter through experience is not always correlative to someone's age or level of maturity.  In fact, wisdom is more a question of character and will power.

There's many lessons to learn from in life, but what will you do with the knowledge you obtain when you've completed those lessons?

The industry of "self help" guides and motivational speakers and books is so huge because people are too focused on petty, meaningless issues and commonly fail to fully utilize the knowledge they get from life just by living it.

Learning a lesson and becoming smarter and wiser from the experience means absolutely nothing when no action is taken upon that enlightenment.

You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action.
~Tony Robbins

Thinking leads to action. Knowledge without action is useless and irrelevant. Knowledge with action, converts adversity into prosperity.
~Abdul Kalam 

One of the most poignant examples of enlightenment gained through life experience is someone saying,

"If I only knew then what I know now."

Well if we could go back in time and educate ourselves, how would you convince your past self to act on the knowledge you're now imparting on them?  

Will only the shock of seeing yourself make them realize it's their duty to follow the guidance you've given them?

Every lesson learned in life, every test failed or relationship broken, every love lost, every regret harbored.............. it all helps to feed our minds and hearts with the essential knowledge we need to find happiness.  Where most of us commonly lose traction on this journey is when we idly wait around for some fantastic sign - a burning bush, the voice of God, a time-travelling version of ourselves - instead of decisively taking action on what we already know from experience.

Some of the best lessons learned in life are those that required us to take great risks.  If you can do so, and gain valuable insight into who you are and what makes you happy, do not do yourself a grave injustice by not acting upon it with that wisdom as your guide.

There is no doubt that there is great fun in the journey to happiness, but hey - who says there isn't a wild party waiting for you at the destination?  So why not help yourself to get there sooner?

And Now, I Live

Like a feather in the wind,

riding on the breeze,

I've lived aloft

up in the air

floating wherever fate may please.

And like the water in the curb,

trickling down the hill,

I've flowed through life

with fleeting days and nights

drifting alongside free will.

And like the train upon the tracks,

coasting down the rails,

I could only sit and ride

watching time fly by

never feeling the wind in my own sails.

But now the sun has risen,

now I look to the sky,

not flowing through life

now life flows through me

as I kiss the mundane goodbye.

My days, now steps, to unknown success,

be it spirit or love or fame.

With vigor I wake

each morning then take

a deep breath as I embark on my day.

I shall follow my will and pursue my dreams,

while exploring the path my heart leads.

And while I know not my fate,

my journey no abate,

as I know I can only succeed.


-BS, 10/10

To The New Year and Beyond

Once again, I find myself pondering the passing of another set of 365 days and how I spent them.
For some odd reason, I've always been very introspective and retrospective when it came to time.
In high school, in college, at random milestones that I'd encounter or make up in my mind............I'd consciously stop and try to fathom how much time had passed and how everything since then had brought me to the spot I was at that point.  I'd pause to reflect on my memories of anything and everything that I could dig up from the back of my mind.  It's a very bittersweet thing to do because nostalgia isn't always pleasant.  Something about getting older and the passing of time and realizing that all those fun/happy things from the past are forever gone and unattainable is just plain depressing.
UGH!!
That's what I get for listening to Radiohead while I write this!!

But depression, just like all other emotions, is a very personal and intense feeling that everyone needs to experience at some point or another. Just like death, heartache and disappointment,  its an essential emotion that I believe people need to fully embrace and experience in order to become a truly well-rounded and self-aware individual.  If you've never been exposed to personal hardships, you lack the important wisdom that comes with that valuable life experience.  You can't speak from the heart about or fully grasp the intensity of pain and loss until you've experienced it yourself.  There is no getting around it.

..........and now that I've dragged you into my little dark hole of melancholia, let me turn your face towards the light and assure you that I am still the eternal optimist.  No matter where you find yourself, there is always more fun to be had, people to love and be loved by, and more life to live and look forward to.  At some point - hopefully sooner than later - you'll realize that living well is not something that can be done passively.
Don't be the train stuck on the rails, just going wherever the track leads and having no say about it.
Jump off the damn tracks!!
The only person holding you back is YOU!

These barriers and restraints and responsibilities that you use as excuses to hold you back from living are only that - excuses.  Don't stand in the way of your dreams, whatever they may be.  And if you don't know what those dreams are yet, then now is the time to find out.  All the stuff you've been putting off and been wanting to try but haven't - do it.  Time will not slow down for you, so you need to get your ass moving and live the life you've always imagined.  Go for it!  You will never know what you can't do until you try!

As for myself, I'm going to try to live the next year and beyond with these words as my mantra, while also going for a few resolutions of my own.  Without too much elaboration, let's just say I have a few creative endeavors to try my hand at, traveling to do, physical and emotional challenges to undertake, people to speak my heart and mind to, loves to discover, and more meaningless dribble to post on this blog.  In addition to that, (to borrow from my post from a year ago) I still want to continue to be a better man and have it all together, in both body and mind.

I'm confident I'm fulfilling that pledge and will continue to do so as I dropkick 2011 in the face and make it my bitch..............and I hope you do the same!!

Wishing you all the very best this year and beyond.....