And Now, I Live

Like a feather in the wind,

riding on the breeze,

I've lived aloft

up in the air

floating wherever fate may please.

And like the water in the curb,

trickling down the hill,

I've flowed through life

with fleeting days and nights

drifting alongside free will.

And like the train upon the tracks,

coasting down the rails,

I could only sit and ride

watching time fly by

never feeling the wind in my own sails.

But now the sun has risen,

now I look to the sky,

not flowing through life

now life flows through me

as I kiss the mundane goodbye.

My days, now steps, to unknown success,

be it spirit or love or fame.

With vigor I wake

each morning then take

a deep breath as I embark on my day.

I shall follow my will and pursue my dreams,

while exploring the path my heart leads.

And while I know not my fate,

my journey no abate,

as I know I can only succeed.


-BS, 10/10

To The New Year and Beyond

Once again, I find myself pondering the passing of another set of 365 days and how I spent them.
For some odd reason, I've always been very introspective and retrospective when it came to time.
In high school, in college, at random milestones that I'd encounter or make up in my mind............I'd consciously stop and try to fathom how much time had passed and how everything since then had brought me to the spot I was at that point.  I'd pause to reflect on my memories of anything and everything that I could dig up from the back of my mind.  It's a very bittersweet thing to do because nostalgia isn't always pleasant.  Something about getting older and the passing of time and realizing that all those fun/happy things from the past are forever gone and unattainable is just plain depressing.
UGH!!
That's what I get for listening to Radiohead while I write this!!

But depression, just like all other emotions, is a very personal and intense feeling that everyone needs to experience at some point or another. Just like death, heartache and disappointment,  its an essential emotion that I believe people need to fully embrace and experience in order to become a truly well-rounded and self-aware individual.  If you've never been exposed to personal hardships, you lack the important wisdom that comes with that valuable life experience.  You can't speak from the heart about or fully grasp the intensity of pain and loss until you've experienced it yourself.  There is no getting around it.

..........and now that I've dragged you into my little dark hole of melancholia, let me turn your face towards the light and assure you that I am still the eternal optimist.  No matter where you find yourself, there is always more fun to be had, people to love and be loved by, and more life to live and look forward to.  At some point - hopefully sooner than later - you'll realize that living well is not something that can be done passively.
Don't be the train stuck on the rails, just going wherever the track leads and having no say about it.
Jump off the damn tracks!!
The only person holding you back is YOU!

These barriers and restraints and responsibilities that you use as excuses to hold you back from living are only that - excuses.  Don't stand in the way of your dreams, whatever they may be.  And if you don't know what those dreams are yet, then now is the time to find out.  All the stuff you've been putting off and been wanting to try but haven't - do it.  Time will not slow down for you, so you need to get your ass moving and live the life you've always imagined.  Go for it!  You will never know what you can't do until you try!

As for myself, I'm going to try to live the next year and beyond with these words as my mantra, while also going for a few resolutions of my own.  Without too much elaboration, let's just say I have a few creative endeavors to try my hand at, traveling to do, physical and emotional challenges to undertake, people to speak my heart and mind to, loves to discover, and more meaningless dribble to post on this blog.  In addition to that, (to borrow from my post from a year ago) I still want to continue to be a better man and have it all together, in both body and mind.

I'm confident I'm fulfilling that pledge and will continue to do so as I dropkick 2011 in the face and make it my bitch..............and I hope you do the same!!

Wishing you all the very best this year and beyond.....

My Heart & My Future

With all of life around me,
and stray thoughts of love still haunted,
I will embrace my heart and my future
and shelter them - undaunted.
Dusted off and polished, and ready to shine once again.
And if what they say is true,
and good things come to those who wait,
then my future, and my heart, may stay idle
until a later date.
But I will do my best,
as I always have,
to be patient,
and know that time spent waiting for love,
is not wasted,
and moments of loneliness
are not in vain.
For once I've found happiness again,
long forgotten becomes the pain.



9/27/10

In a Silent Way

Even a hot flame can shiver

when a cool breeze passes,

yet it keeps burning,

keeps burning,

in a silent way.

Steady in the air,

and quiet in the mind,

you keep burning,

keep burning,

in a silent way.

Flickering,

but ever steady,

shining brightly

with inanimate diligence.

Burning,

and burning,

in a silent way.

And the heart hears loudly

what the eyes believe the flame speaks

as it keeps burning

and burning,

in a silent way.

Giving Away Memories

Last week I donated four huge bags of belongings.

Four HUGE bags.

Two bags that had been slowly getting filled over the past few months, and another two bags that only took me about two weeks to fill.

And fill them I did, with years of memories from my past.

Funny thing about giving clothes and stuffed animals and other random stuff away is that its easy to feel like you're giving away a piece of yourself.  Obviously, I'm not talking about some silly attachment to an old shirt, but rather the stuff you get rid of because its mere presence in your home will do nothing but spark painful memories of the people and times you associate with it.

I, for one, don't readily get rid of things that bring about powerful feelings and memories - even if they're powerfully hurtful feelings and memories.

The reason is because I tend to embrace melancholia as if it were an old friend, so a simple thing like a picture, a card, an old scarf or even an ugly coffee mug, can literally stop me in my tracks and take my mind and heart to some place a million miles away.  Happy or not, I embrace it as part of what I've experienced and learned from and felt through, and I take from it everything I can, leaving nothing emotionally behind.

But sometimes we must give away.

Give away pieces of our hearts and souls, pieces of our anguish and sorrow, pieces of long-lost times of joy that we simply cannot keep because the path through our memories to get to them is littered with too much heartache.  A memory, no matter how innately perfect by itself, is sometimes not worth holding onto when the painful reminders it spawns overshadow its beauty.

Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment.  ~Harlan Ellison

On Humor and Companionship

In looking back on my first year or so of blog entries in 2008, I realized two things:

1- I wrote mostly about people and boring happenings

and

2- I wrote with a very sarcastic, wise-ass sense of humor.

Interestingly, some of those posts were actually somewhat funny! Or at least I thought so.

And let's be honest, its not like more than maybe 2.5 people read this damn thing, so do I even CARE if anyone else thinks I'm funny??

FUCK NO!!

So now that we have THAT established, I can reveal that while I still have that cocky sense of humor and enjoy making fun of anything and everything, I've developed more of a sincere appreciation for writing about things that require a little deep thinking.

Now, that in no way means that I've banished humor from these hallowed texts. On the contrary, I appreciate humor now more than ever. At some point in life, after you've learned what real pain and loss is about, and after you've experienced massive disappointments and run the gauntlet of emotions associated with love, friendship, family, fear, hopelessness, pride and loneliness, you realize the true value of humor in life. Not as a distraction to living, but as the gentle bumpers on the road to happiness that keep you from falling in the gutter.

Once, several years ago, someone told me that I seem to act like everything is a joke.

That statement bothered me.

I understood why she said that, because I have a light-hearted and joking personality, but it irked me because as much as I want to be the person who can make you laugh, I also want to be the person who you can have a deep, personal, meaningful and insightful conversation with about anything and everything.

FYI - I believe I am that person.

In addition to humor, I've also learned about the intricacies of companionship.

This past weekend I was discussing with my friend about our current and past experiences with relationships. One theme that he touched on was companionship.

Emotionally and figuratively, having companionship is the opposite of loneliness.

I've always been a guy who's enjoyed solitude and privacy because I feel like those two things force one to discover a true sense of self through the lack of external influence - which is important. However, companionship is something that is so easy to swear off as unnecessary right up until the very moment you realize you crave it so badly.

But, just like being alone doesn't really mean you're lonely, having someone there doesn't always mean you have companionship.

I've been right next to someone I've loved yet felt incredibly lonely, and I've also felt like I've had true companionship even though there was no one else around for miles.

Sometimes the logic and emotion of love and life aren't aligned, and you find yourself baffled and hurt, and all you really want is just someone there by your side, someone just to feel close to,someone to just touch and know they're there with you and for you because they really want to be, just as you want to be there with them. If only for a day, or even just a few hours, its that physical and emotional closeness that can provide a needy soul with a much-needed dose of companionship.

And remember, whether you're in each other's arms or one of you is on earth while the other is on the moon, love and closeness know no physical distance when the heart is what bonds you together.

Listening in the Night

It's dark out, and I heard him yet again.

I heard him for the first time three days ago.

As I walked out the door on my way to the car, my keen hearing picked up on a very faint but familiar sound. Walking around my building for a while to see what I could discover, the sound had ceased so I couldn't find him.

Then around 2am that night I heard him yet again.

I knew that sound very well.

It was a kitten.

A young one.

That first night I heard him outside - alone - meowing non-stop until about 7am. Several times that night I woke up, as I'm sure others did in my complex, from his constant cries. He stopped finally once the sun was up and more people were stirring about.

The second night he was back once more.

I came home late and upon getting out of my car, I heard him yet again.

This time I walked towards his crying, determined to find the little creature who sounded so pathetically lost, and finally I saw him - meowing and terrified - crouched down between a car and the curb.

I think he spotted me the same time I spotted him.

He was likely scared when he saw me, but my heart sank a little when I saw him.

He was younger than I'd hope he'd be.

Four, maybe five weeks old at best, which is not good news.

Kittens that young are barely old enough to be weaned, and the fact that this little guy is all by himself wasn't a good sign. I know cats well enough, and I knew the reality of his chances of survival.

My attempts to call him over and get any closer were foiled when his learned response to flee humans kicked in and he took off. Hiding under a car a little ways down, he once again started up his futile cries for mama, who was nowhere to be found. If I could just get close, maybe I could nab him and take him in and feed him, but he'll never let anyone get near.

Abandoned, alone, and scared.

I wonder how often people feel like that, and how often their cries for help go ignored.

Its easy to feel lost in this world. Things can so quickly be taken away from us that we're left baffled and numb with no idea what to do. Even sometimes when help might be just a few steps away, you're too terrified to let it even get close. The fear you so wish would leave you alone, is at the same time driving you farther from the help you so desperately need.

Whether you're the one feeling lost and crying out for help, or the one who hears someone else's cries, you need to have the strength and compassion to embrace another person for the betterment of you both. Don't accept waiting for someone else to come along, because that might never happen. It's up to you to be the important difference.

"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own."

~Ben Sweetland

His constant crying did bother me, as I'm sure it did everyone else who heard it throughout the night. It made it difficult to sleep not only for the mere annoyance of it, but for the realization of what it meant.

But now, tonight, I stand on my balcony listening anxiously, and hear only the normal sounds of the night............................

..........and that bothers me even more.