Before I Sleep

I wrote this a few years back when I had a lot more time and solitude for inflection and creativity. The words bring back immediate memories of a very different state of myself and my life.  - BS
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I cherish the nights, and the solitude they bring.

I welcome the dark skies and the moon to watch over me.

It's shine - like a calming hand on my shoulder,
and the sweet smell of dew on the grass - a comforting aroma.

My eyes grow heavy,

but my mind feels enlightened,

and I fight the calling of my vacant bed.

For I need you, silence, you are my hope.

It is in you I see my life yet hidden from me,

and its only in my weary state - when thoughts can now be free -

that my senses and my heavy heart reveal the world to me.

But I won't fight hard this night.

I will cease, and lay down my head,

and hope that the next day will also be my friend

in the morning when I leave my bed.

Special Moments

Being a father has brought with it numerous special moments.

I started a list to keep track of them before my son was even born. Not that I need a list, but rather I want one, so at some point later I can be reminded of all these special times that meant to much to me as a man and as a father. 

One in particular happened a few weeks ago.

I realized that he now understood bedtime. 

When we mention it his demeanor instantly changes. He becomes quiet and calm, and just knows. 
One night he and I were in his room and I asked him which book he wanted to read. After looking around the room for a few seconds he pointed to his '100 Words' book on the dresser.  I handed it to him and he took it with his left hand. Then, with his right hand, he reached out and made a grabby gesture to me. I gave him my hand and he took it, and walked me to the rocking chair, directing me where to sit.  I sat down, he gave me the book and then climbed up onto my lap, as if saying, "I love you, Daddy, and this is our routine."

In The Blink Of An Eye

One year ago today, love and life as I knew it was totally redefined for me.
One year that was as much a blur as it was full of vivid and joyous memories.
A year of much sacrifice and sleepless nights that made me feel older but wiser.
A year that allowed me to see my future grow right before my eyes and give me a deeper understanding of life.

On that day one year ago, in the blink of an eye, the vast world as I knew it became even more expansive.  And now, after the course of twelve months of forsaking a social life and missing friends, I look back and see none of the stress and sacrifice but only joy and love.

Happy birthday to my favorite little man and the best gift I've ever received.

The Friend I Never Met

I've been volunteering at KarmaCat+ZenDog rescue for about two years now.
It's a wonderful organization run by a few very dedicated women and sustained by 30+ volunteers.

Of all those volunteers, I'm one of maybe three guys.  No surprise: most of them are middle or older age women. Yes - I'm the oddball young, single guy who volunteers at a cat rescue.  That's just me.

Last November there was a volunteer meeting which I couldn't make.
Volunteer meeting = a room full of old cat ladies who aren't really saying much to each other until the wine starts flowing and the cat stories start flying around.

After that meeting, the Executive Director (who I speak to every so often) sent me an email.

She told that the woman who comes in on Wednesday afternoons publicly raved about me at the meeting. She said she holds me in the highest regards for my cleaning thoroughness, and if she meets me she might just kiss me on the cheek.  :-)

That woman would turn out to be Debbie. I found out later who she was because she made it a point to call me and leave a voicemail around Christmas time:
"Hi Brian. This is Debbie. I just wanted to call and thank you. I'm 62 yrs old but I'm going to use this term - you are the bomb. My daughters tell me it doesn't mean the world's blowing up but that you're really fabulous. Every Wednesday when I come in, I know that everything is going to be fabulous because Brian was there in the morning. I don't even know who you are, I don't know anything about you, I just know you do a fabulous, fabulous job of cleaning and taking care of everything and I love Wednesdays because of what you do. I just wanted to let you know what a wonderful job you do and I really really appreciate it and I wish every volunteer would do such a wonderful job."

I sent her a note back thanking her for the kind sentiment and wishing her Merry Christmas and happy new year as well.  I found her words to be incredibly kind and flattering, and I was looking forward to meeting her at one of the next meetings or functions.

I'll never get that chance.

I got an email last week letting me know that Debbie passed away from cancer.

While many people in this world may be kind, it's rare to find someone who willingly goes out of their way to show unnecessary appreciation to someone they don't know.  There was no need to call me.  I was doing nothing exceptional - just simple, mundane chores.  Yet, the effort Debbie put in to show her appreciation spoke more to me about who she was than any other "stranger" I've ever known.

I really wish I had gotten the chance to meet her, but the brief interaction I had with Debbie showed me the pure kindness in her heart and the goodness of her soul, and I know the world lost a good person whom I never even met.

Everyone has a story, and everyone comes into your life for a reason.

A Buddhist friend of mine told me the other day, "No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place."
Whether we realize it or not, even the most obscure of interactions with people can leave indelible imprints on us. Debbie left one on me, and I know I'm just a slightly better person for having connected with her.

Thank you, Debbie.

The Sun and I

The sun rose again this morning,
illuminating a clear sky,
slowly lighting the horizon
and gently warming my mind.
And as the day was born,
I looked into my heart,
to discover once again
what just the night before,
had slowly ripped it apart.
The familiar sting
of a love long lost
and vivid memories of heartache.
A painful nostalgia
of a future that never was,
and a nightmare from which I couldn't wake.
Bitter memories of regret
and bad decisions made
that haunted my thoughts yet still,
a loving man's disdain,
for failing his lonely heart
and blaming fate for the pain he now feels.
But with the birth of dawn
comes a chance to live anew,
and like the sun rose again this morning
it will rise tomorrow too.
But as the newly glowing sky
helps my battered heart revive,
along with the sun as it rises this morning,
so, dear love, do I.

Holding a Candle

I did know love once.
And the stars did shine brighter then.

And now I stand stunned,
in the dark,
looking for someone to hold a candle for me.

Feeling idle on land,
or floating on water,
I'm blind either way to what lies ahead.

The blurry vision of the past
glows softly to light a path,
and I'll venture willingly towards the unknown.

Eyes closed or wide open,
its with my heart that I see
only the darkness that floods the space around me.

and I keep walking,
and walking,
and following a path that I create as I go

and walking,
Looking for the light with that loving glow,
a light to show where my heart should be,

I won't stop
I won't fail
I won't rest until the darkness is no longer seen,
and I'll look for someone to hold a candle for me.

The Occurrence of Love

...and it occurred to me then,
the distinct difference between love that exists in my mind
and love that exists in my heart.
What logic says - the heart ignores,
and what the heart craves - will not always be reasonable.
But its in the littlest of things that true love is born.
Always the briefest of moments,
the kind that I'd be content to stay in forever,
where my heart finds the greatest of joys.
And I've learned that while love can be a constant,
it can also be random and spontaneous,
like a poem from the heart.
That? This? Here? Her? Yes!!
The pursuit of happiness is nothing more than the pursuit of love,
and our one-track mind is forever guided by the desires of the heart.